Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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