While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
