I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
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