Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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