my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
