I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
