Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize