I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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