we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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