...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
