i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
