It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
