yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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