Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
