I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
