There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
