need another drink. this is the easiest way
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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