Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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