I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
