I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
