Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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