I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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