Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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