Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
