Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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