hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i think i have herpe
just one?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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