i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
