Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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