he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
