: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
home. puking in laundry basket.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i drank out of a bidet.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
