Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
