capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
