morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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