hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
