The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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