two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
