its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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