I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
