Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
