So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
