I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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