I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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