He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
