There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
