I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize