apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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