The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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