you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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