All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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