i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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