just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
