Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
