If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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