All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
