i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Randomize
