Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
