PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i barfeds in our rink
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
