All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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