Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
