I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
