i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
