you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
