Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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